Bitchin' Kitchin'

Under Construction: SARAY

I don't know what this is!

A good sidewalk..and we still walk in the street

After being in Azerbaijan for the last 48 hours or so, things are starting to finally settle in my head.  I was feeling a combination of jet lag, culture shock, fright, and a bit of envy for all the other volunteers that had seemingly adjusted themselves quite well.

Azerbaijan is a country that has to warm up to you. The people are very suspicious and inquisitive. This requires for many Americans (such as myself) to put lids on our forward/abrupt personalities.  For women this is amplified because gender roles and separation between the sexes are purely black and white. Women are to be at home cleaning the house and men are to be out working. The two worlds don’t collide nor interact much outside of work or in law abiding relationships.  This is also a culture that stares and I’m super sensitive to it because I’m traveling in a pack. The kicker however is it is suggested that women do not speak to men they do not know nor look them in the eye. The feeling of being stared down or looked at for long periods of time without the option or comfort to respond and/or address this behavior is very puzzling to me. There is a Peace Corps volunteer named Josh who has been in the country for a year. He is apart of the group called an AZ8 (AZERBAIJAN GROUP 8). Josh insists that in this culture staring is actually very rude and as an American female volunteer we are entitled to point out this negative behavior and let them know it makes us feel uncomfortable. To which Azerbaijani’s who are training us say the same thing. Azerbaijani’s do not like to make other people feel bad.

I knew I would be stared at. I’m something of an Abominable Snowman in this country in a way that they aren’t very sure how I can look ‘black’ but be American. Asian volunteers suffer from the same thing. Unfortunately, Asian volunteers are typecast as Chinese illegal’s, selling black market products. 

So to say I’m not having a hard time is a small understatement. There are so many things I anticipated without expecting it. I anticipated being stared at. I didn’t expect a particular Azerbaijani to ask a fellow peace corps trainee of mine if I was African or American. I anticipated jet lag and major adjustment to time (there is a 9 hour time difference from the East Coast). I didn’t expect to wake up frequently in the middle of the night seemingly no longer interested in sleep. I anticipated to casually yet often speak about my adjustments and how I’m feeling off the grid at the moment, but I didn’t expect for so many volunteers to feel the exact same way that I do (both black and white, married or single, and all other subcategories). With that being said let me add that I do feel a bit of envy (please don’t counter at this point. Just give me the space to say it candidly). I do feel  a bit of envy of the other volunteers who have done some extensive traveling whether it be from studying abroad to country hopping for leisure, to consulting foreign businesses. I may be presumptuous, but many of the volunteers-I’m gathering are not having such an initial trial period of wacky emotions. They are more than comfortable eating the food that has been exposed to the little feces infested legs of flies who are extremely rude and disrespectful in this country. I mean these little flies are just landing on anything in sight and I haven’t spotted anyone remotely moved by this. Until it was time for Health Education Overview and the doctor brought up illness/diseases born out of unsanitary conditions. When she mentioned flies carrying germs and the food we eat must be protected from these little creatures, it was me that said: WHY ISN’T ANYONE AT THE HOTEL PLACING PLASTIC OVER THE FOOD THEY SERVE US? WHY ARE YOU WARNING US ABOUT THE FLIES NOW, WHEN THE FOOD WE’VE BEEN EATING FOR THE LAST 2 DAYS HAVE HAD NOTHING BUT FLIES ON IT. DON’T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD TALK TO HOTEL STAFF? It was a load off my back to finally say this, but I was amazed that this didn’t seem to bother anyone else but me. I had a stomach ache on Sunday and was not interested in food. Today (Monday), the hotel now presents its spread covered in plastic.  I got a second dose of that ‘isolated’ feeling when I participated in a discussion on why we were placed in the programs we were placed in. Luckily I find many people to agree with me-but you know how there is always that one or 2 person that makes you question yourself and how you feel.  I’m nervous about youth development and how that will translate into a future career. I almost feel like (without even having 1 day on the job) that I should be placed in a different program. Some volunteers have no experience, or have just graduated and feel very overwhelmed by their job placement. When I shared this with people, it felt good to be on one accord of confusion and ultimately coming to the consensus of: there’s a reason for everything-roll with it! However there were a couple of volunteers who felt I was looking at many things and approaching many things the wrong way. And because I’m super introspective and conscious of myself at this juncture of my service-I was left feeling like ‘maybe I don’t want to be here as much as I think I do’  and ‘this is not the time nor the place to complain when all I have to do is go home-make room for someone who is a little more “sure” than I am’.

In sum, and I will say this as often as I think it’s pertinent, I had NO expectations. I had plenty of anticipations but not solid expectations. I was open to the road that could lead me to the left or to the right. Am I amongst people who I can share my experiences (both external, internal) with? Maybe.  I would like to think so, but maybe not. I’m learning along the way. Very perceptive I am, so be prepared to hear me splash my feelings about with a tablespoon of fairness.

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