Checking your reflection in a knife

This post isn't really about looking into a knife or spoon to check your reflection. It's about seeing a small part of yourself and accepting it as a whole. So the story is I called out to the universe that I wanted 'friends'. More specifically friends of the female species, as the lines can blur in friendships that I have with men (not intentionally of course) so I keep them to a small number. And whenever our hearts want something that we don't say with our mouths, that energy undoubtedly is recognized and that thing you 'swore' you wanted-instantly appears. Try it if you haven't already done so. I'm sure, anything you wanted in your heart of hearts, you have gotten. I'm also sure that anything you didn't want, you probably got that too. The universe brought just what I asked for. A chance to make friends. This complete stranger read my blog via facebook and seemed to be akin to a post I entitled " I WISH THE LONER IN ME WOULD DIE". A post in which I was truthful about how it's hard for me to make friends and no matter how it appeared on the outside, I am a loner. I was stoked to find out that she related and offered up a chance for us to get to know each other. We chatted. NO...actually i was the chatty bird, divulging all my little personal quirks into mini novelas via facebook inbox. I'm so reeking of desperation, that I lose my cool mystique and fail to inquire about who she is as a person and what SHE likes to do and where SHE is from. Ya know..the conversation that involves a two way street. Narcissism 101: Narcissist do not ask question about other people in order to learn a new fact. They ask questions in order to find something they have in common so that they can dominate the topic on how that fact is so pertinent to their lives. 

  After a few days of talking I finally took a gander at some of her pictures. Not the profile pics, but the pictures of her in 'real' life (i.e. family reunions, parties, clubbing, dinners, etc). She's really funky and eclectic and bisexual? ( I can't confirm if she's gay). I go through all of our emails and review our convsersations to come to the realization that this girl doesn't want to be my friend. Instead, I think she was testing my sexual barometer. Immediately I back away from the computer, place my hands over my face and whisper to myself: I have been played.

Now before you jump to any conclusions, our conversations were harmless. Again, it was mostly me running this hole in my face about my life and traveling and work. I even invited her to a couple of local art events because I thought that was something we'd have in common. She invited me to a slumber party which included a pool party and if I wanted, I could crash at her house just in case it became too late for me to go home. Wasn't this exciting? Wasn't this what I moderately asked for? Ya know...to be invited somewhere, to feel included? It doesn't really matter that she has an album of photos called Lesbian Fail or that she adores the beauty likes of Amber Rose or that she has photos of her dancing with women who are more in touch with their masculine side that they may have reassigned themselves. None of this matters right?

Pick up knife, check reflection, proceed to stab myself on the side of the brain that is the least active.

At the end of the day, she didn't hit on me outright. However, I felt really stupid about how naive I was. I felt really bad that I was so eager to meet new people, that I couldn't differentiate a GIRL LETS GET OUR SHOE SALE ON with a I  WANNA SCREW YOUR BRAINS OUT feeling. Maybe the intention was there on her part, which failed to show, when she opted not to call me as I wanted to put an end to the superfluous back and forth inbox 'conversations'. Which by the way is a true sign that screams " I'M JUST NOT THAT INTO BEING YOUR FRIEND". But naive isn't the whole me, while I do own it. I'm also gutsy as hell-as in I followed my little voice that told me something wasn't quite right and posted it for the world to see. In 3 months I will find this completely hilarious. As of today, I think loner doesn't feel so bad after all.

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