confession: I do not make friends as easily as I'd like to (maybe I don't like to enough).
I'm not the one that gets invited to parties and I was THAT girl that sat at the lunch table by herself and pretended like she didn't care. I am not the girl with 3 different friends to match the many dimensions of my personality and in social settings, I'm too often likely to be dancing alone plus still pretending that I don't care.
I'm innately aware of this and it poses a huge problem when you're around people who travel in nothing but flocks and I stand by watching them--wishing I could join--but never taking it much further than a thought. Oh! oh! and I overcompensate by being too friendly and too giving and trying too hard. There is no balance. If I tell you that I've made friends-it's just my imagination. And the truth is, I honestly don't know which came first: my introverted energy hence no one gravitates towards me in a genuine friend/compassionate fashion or me trying too hard to exude a SOCIAL BUTTERFLY personality (which in truth I'm not good at displaying and it's awkwardly fake) and people see right through it and write me off. The advice I've always been given has been, BE YOURSELF..but how are you to be yourself when you really want friends and it doesn't seem that that's working for you?
I just don't get it. Sometimes i overhear my coworkers discussing plans to kayak over the weekend and I'm brewing because I don't have enough courage to say > > HEY..CAN I COME? I'm afraid that it sounds desperate or even worse..like any average Jane/Joe/Bob I'm afraid of rejection. I've always been that way..the person that wants to be pursued (this is why so many of my romantic relationships have failed because if the guy didn't call first-then he's not interested and he better not expect me to call first because then I lose in the game of the "wild chase") tangent moment
The fact is, it's all about energy. I give off too much loner energy and that's the reason I wish the loner inside me would just DIE. Oh and another thing, I wish the sensitive little girl that cries(or in this case blogs) her feelings into her pillow would die as well.
This blog is about how a late bloomer-finally takes a stab at some of her personal dreams. Let's start with Dream #1 - JOINING THE PEACE CORPS. Status: Actively serving as a PCV in the Republic of Azerbaijan. But it doesn't stop there...
Jun 17, 2011
I want the Loner in me to just DIE!
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2 comments:
Anyone who doesn't gravitate toward you or seize the opportunity to have you as a friend is TRULY missing out. I don't know another person with more radiant energy and personality. You don't change and won't change for anyone and that is a very rare find in a person. The most giving, genuine friend I've ever had. You treat others how you want to be treated and that may be why you don't have a lot of friends. Its hard for anyone to find a friend as good as you... including yourself.
Oops! I just started 'the unintended crying'.
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