Marching and Making Friends

It's March madness and I can't speak for you but I definately feel a tempered sense of chaos. Over the weekend was my retreat with my fellow americorps members. Backstep moment: not many of you know this but I'm currently in Americorps. Americorps is somewhat of this domestic version of Peace Corps. You spend day& night doing community service all the while making sure your living stipend doesn't cause you to dig your own grave. I work with the refugee community as a Family Literacy Coordinator. Basically, I meet women from all over the world and test them for their english levels. If they can't tell their head from their tail, then I find them a volunteer English as a Second Language (ESL) teacher. It's a fun task. I'm never pulled away from their home without a sip of tea or a box of crackers or in more recent events a Burundian card game. I work with a team of about 14 other struggling through life "cankickers". Mostly white, mostly young, mostly working on their Masters degrees and can afford to give back while they are young. So this is what I do for one year-just to make sure I have the ability to not be a quitter. Ok, so I went on my retreat over the weekend and it dawned on me while we were sitting around the bonfire drunkenly exposing ourselves and making sure marshmallow s'more didn't erupt in our bellies, that I have to come to terms with the fact that 1. I can't keep my peace corps invitation a secret and 2. I'm really leaving for the peace corps. So after a round of delicate questions aka tell us your dirtiest secret, I finally confessed that my last days in the states united would be 9/22. The tears came. My coworkers bumrushed me with hugs and someone actually cried. It was an overwhelming moment. I tried not to stutter.

Even at my age I am not completely aware of how I affect others. I quietly go about my business but rarely do I have a chance to take stock of who some of my biggest supporters are. That's the challenge that most givers face--they don't actually come to terms with the impact they have on others. To me, I'm just in the moments of life and my head hasn't caught up with the rest of lifes' events. So to see people crying, when they've only known me for 7 months or so, is a nice reminder that I'm not this invisible woman feeling aptly solitary.

For the record-I don't make friends very easily. Part of me is bad about engaging in status quo topics or doing status quo activities. Part of me doesn't read peoples intentions very well-INSERT- (I don't know i'm being used until it's too late). Part of me has a hard time with accepting the fact that most men aren't really trying to be my friend. Part of me has a hard time being around women without them thinking I am trying to compete with them. So that's what-4 parts? ok..solid gold! My point is the group of people I was around for the retreat felt to be the most genuine i've ever encountered. Now i say this about almost everyone I meet-but this one time-I felt like it was the most genuine and I could sleep at night without overanalyzing a statement or a behavior.

And just like that-like a ton of bricks I came to terms with myself my abilities, and the fact that I really am leaving. Even at this moment I'm writing with a fog of thoughts and processing my feelings as effeciently as I can is this great sadness I feel? has anxiety come to visit? why aren't I in a moment of glee? yes I'm leaving, but I have not left yet-so why is my mind in a space of missing people who are reachable?

In conclusion March is here and I've made friends! Oh the madness!

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