1 year Mark: Conversation with my mom

This conversation happened on September 20th, at around 1pm Eastern Standard time via skype.

Me: MOM?

Sharon: HEY MALAIK! WHAT'S UP!

Me: NOTHING. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Sharon: HOLD ON. LET ME CALL YOU FROM THE TELEVISION.

Me: OK

Sharon: OK. HEY GIRL! WHAT'S UP? WHAT TIME IS IT THERE?

Me: ALMOST 9.

Sharon: OH, OK. NOT THAT LATE.

Me: YUP. GUESS WHAT? THIS SATURDAY IT WILL BE A WHOLE YEAR FOR ME HERE IN AZERBAIJAN.

Sharon: REALLY?! YEA..TIME IS JUST FLYING. WENT FAST DIDN'T IT?

Me: UHM..WELL I GUESS SO. HEY..I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU. YA KNOW..KNOWING THAT I'VE BEEN HERE AN ENTIRE YEAR IS NOW MAKING ME FEEL LIKE I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. I'M REALLY BORED. I HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON MY HANDS AND I'M DOING STUFF THAT I REALLY DON'T WANT TO DO. I JUST DON'T LIKE IT ANYMORE. I DON'T FEEL LIKE ANYTHING IS HAPPENING. I DON'T FEEL PRODUCTIVE. I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING I AM DOING IS MAKING ANY IMPACT. SCHOOL STARTS NEXT WEEK AND I'M GOING TO BE TEACHING ENGLISH AGAIN. I REALLY WISH I WAS DOING SOMETHING BIG-YA KNOW. I TRIED TO START A WOMAN'S WORKOUT CLUB BUT THAT DIDN'T WORK. THEN I TRIED TO DO A GENDER FORUM AND THAT DIDN'T WORK EITHER. I JUST FEEL LIKE I AM WASTING AWAY. LIKE I CAN BE DOING SOMETHING ELSE BETTER WITH MY TIME.

Sharon: WELL, DO THIS-PUT IT DOWN ON PAPER. MAKE A LITTLE T-CHART THING AND IF YOUR DEBTS OUTWEIGH YOUR ASSETS THEN MAKE A DECISION. IT IS YOUR CHOICE. ONLY YOU ARE LIVING OVER THERE. ONLY YOU ARE EXPERIENCING THOSE THINGS. I'M NOT SO I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT TO DO.

Me: I KNOW.

Sharon: CAN YOU ASK PEACE CORPS TO SEND YOU SOMEWHERE ELSE?

Me: NO.

Sharon: OH. WELL WHAT DON'T YOU LIKE ABOUT IT?

Me: THE CULTURE. THE FACT THAT I DON'T FEEL LIKE ANYONE WANTS MY HELP. I JUST FEEL USELESS. I JUST MISS HOME. I THINK I WANT TO COME HOME.

Sharon: WELL YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T CHANGE THE WORLD. AND YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT THAT PART OF THE WORLD IS STRICT. THEY ARE CONDITIONED TO THINK A CERTAIN WAY. SOME PEOPLE HERE DON'T WANT YOUR HELP. MAYBE IF YOU HELP 1 PERSON, THAT PERSON WILL HELP 3.IF YOU WANT TO COME HOME-THEN COME HOME. MOVE TO NEW YORK OR SOMETHING. YOU'LL LAND ON YOUR FEET. WHAT ABOUT SCHOOL? YOU COULD LOOK AT SCHOOL. WHY DON'T YOU LOOK AT SCHOOL?

Me: YEA. I WAS TALKING TO THIS GIRL FROM GHANA. SHE GAVE ME A WEBSITE. SHE'S GOING TO SCHOOL IN NORWAY FOR FREE STUDYING MOLECULAR BIOLOGY.

Sharon: WELL THERE YOU GO. YOU CAN GO TO NORWAY. HOW MUCH DOES IT COST TO LIVE IN NORWAY?

Me: ABOUT $2000 A MONTH.

Sharon: OKAY, THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT. THAT'S EUROPE FOR YOU. DO YOU HAVE $2000?

Me: NO.

Sharon: OH WELL THEN I GUESS YOU BETTER STAY WHERE YOU ARE.

Me: ? MOM ?

Sharon: WHAT?

Me: THIS IS SERIOUS! I DON'T KNOW. I JUST FEEL A BUNCH OF THINGS. PARTS OF ME WANT TO QUIT AND PARTS OF ME ARE LIKE--I'VE COME SO FAR--WHY QUIT NOW.

Sharon: I UNDERSTAND. PEACE CORPS WOULD KICK ME OUT. I COULDN'T DO WHAT YOU'RE DOING. I COULDN'T GO THROUGH WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH. THEY WOULD HAVE TO PAY ME $1MILLION DOLLARS. ARE THEY PAYING YOU $1MILLION DOLLARS? THEY MUST BE PAYING YOU $1MILLION DOLLARS!! NOT ME. NO MA'AM!

Me: {laugh}

Sharon: I THINK YOU'RE JUST HAVING A ROUGH DAY. YOU SAID SCHOOL STARTS NEXT WEEK? YOU'LL FEEL BETTER ONCE SCHOOL STARTS. IT'S JUST A ROUGH DAY. THAT'S ALL.

Me: MOM..I DON'T THINK IT'S A ROUGH DAY. I MISS YOU GUYS. I MISS MY SISTERS AND YOU AND DAD. THIS IS LAME!

Sharon: I KNOW. WE MISS YOU TOO. WANNA SEE THE DOGS?

Me:  OK.

my mother holds up a white bichon baby-faced puppy named Michael and an old black and white cockerspanial named Charleston.

Me: WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Sharon: DO WHAT YOU WANT.

Me: BUT I'M NERVOUS. I HAVE NOTHING TO COME BACK TO. I'LL FEEL LIKE I'M LETTING PEOPLE DOWN. I'LL FEEL LIKE I'M BLOWING MY DREAM INTO A MILLION LITTLE PIECES. I'VE WANTED THIS FOR SO LONG AND EVERYONE CAME THROUGH TO SUPPORT ME. YOU KNOW PEOPLE FROM TEXAS SENT ME A PACKAGE BECAUSE THEY THINK I AM OVER HERE DOING SOMETHING GREAT-BUT I'M NOT. I'M JUST DOING NOTHING. I DON'T LIKE DOING NOTHING.

Sharon: WELL I WOULDN'T LOOK AT IT THAT WAY. YOU DON'T LIKE TEACHING ENGLISH BUT MAYBE THEY WOULDN'T EVEN HEAR A LICK OF ENGLISH IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU. WILL IT LAST? PERHAPS NOT-BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT. MAYBE THE WOMEN WON'T JOG WITH YOU-BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT. YOU CAN'T SAVE THE WORLD MALAIK.

Me: BUT I'M BORED.

Sharon: I THOUGHT YOU WERE TAKING THOSE YALE CLASSES OR WHATEVER THEY ARE...ONLINE?

Me: I AM.

Sharon: SO TAKE THE CLASSES. DO SOME RESEARCH ON SCHOOL. WRITE A T-CHART. DON'T DO ANYTHING EMOTIONAL BUT THE CHOICE IS YOURS. PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO CHANGE THEIR MIND. ARE THEY PAYING YOU $1MLLION DOLLARS? IF THEY ARE PAYING YOU $1MILLION DOLLARS SIGN ME UP!

Me: MOM!

Sharon: WHAT?

Me: THIS IS SERIOUS.

Sharon: OK. THEN DO THIS. PRAY ABOUT IT AND LET'S TALK NEXT WEEK.

Me: OK

Sharon: WANNA SEE THE DOGS?

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