Almost Finally!

I’m up at that odd reflective hour better known as 3 am. This has not been the first time I’ve woken up at this hour-feeling like God is summoning me to address some physiological issue (let’s say it’s a full bladder). I’m coming to the end of pre-service training which means that in 24hours from now I will be sworn in as a Peace Corps volunteer.  I’ve not had much time to reflect on what this training meant to me other than the fact that it was difficult. I never felt so much internal pressure in my life that tended to manifest itself in me turning into a reclusive, hyper-sensitive, overly contemplative person.  There are shots of memory where people warn me along the way that the hardest part of the service was the training. It was the learning of a completely new language, bursting your idealism bubble, cozying up with cynics, disturbing your bowel movements, laughing to keep from crying and blinking to make sure you are still in fact human and not some sideshow.

Well I am human-batteries not included. I really want to be proud of myself that I kept the flying off the handle behavior to a single hand minimum. I want to pat myself on the back when someone asked me if I was okay and I smiled at them saying yes instead of being honest. I wish I had done this a bit more gracefully, tactfully, and responsibly. I wish I found a compartment for the brain chatter or a box I could whisper all my discontents into. I don’t like negative energy. It makes me  (and has made me) sick-literally. This training process seemed to bring out some of the best and worst in people. You really find out who is who and while I don’t want to leave it that way, it’s hard not to.

I am very happy that this training is over. I never felt like I could attach myself to something-instead living out of my suitcase like a vagabond. I had a hard time getting comfortable. Something many of us struggled with as we redefined ourselves in this country as representatives from the United States. I am glad to get to my site to which I have learned there is a whole new energy. A brand new perspective from people who’ve got a decent grip of where they are and who they are. I just have my fingers crossed that I am a bit hastier towards making friendships instead of shying away for fear of ridicule and misunderstandings. I’m counting on resurrecting my own voice with conscience not to offend someone or annoy someone or hurt someone. I hope I have more courage and self confidence than what I’ve displayed. I hope I can find some sort of peace. The kind of peace that is so strong it will quiet the calls of 3am, silence any self-deprecating voice, disband/unarm foes with foul interests, shut up the Hello Hello Hello, hang a ‘do not disturb ‘sign on my aura, and stay with me like my shadow-permanent.

Just as sure as you are reading this blog,I know God is listening.

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