To BElieve or not to BElieve-that is the question.

Every so often in my life-religion and spirituality comes up. Since I don't believe in coincidences, there is always some significant reason or lesson to be understood. I was recently watching a PBS Special called " God Willing". If you take a modest look at the trailer, it will give you some insight into what is seemingly a cultist type of Christian organization or so that's how it's portrayed. There was a standout scene in the documentary where the camera scrolled across letters coming from children who had unabashedly yet secretly disavowed their  parents all in the name of Jesus Christ. And the parents of these kids went about searching for them-hoping to recognize them in their newly uncut hair and nappy faces. Parents introduced themselves followed behind " i haven't seen my child in 22 years", or " I haven't seen my child in 18 years." I mean odd seperations that caused impeccable grief and sadness and bewilderment to parents who wonder why a presumably happy young adult would up and disappear to join others who spread the Gospel, forbidden to marry, and eat out of the trash among other things-ALL OUT OF GOD'S WILL.

So it brought up a memory of mine when I was in my early twenties and played host to some eternal conflicts about being a human being and being a christian. I got really heavy into the Bible reading it forwards and backwards and skipping chapters to jump to the great stuff like Job (which read like a play) or Revelations (which gave me never ending nightmares). I was going to church religiously, prayed day and night and twice during tea time, and convicted myself for every dirty thought humanly possible. On one sunny day, I walked into my parents bedroom armed with a scripture that I was going to quote in order to back up my intentions to dissent from them and claim Jesus as my mother AND my father. But something clicked. Something prevented me from saying it. Just like that, as soon as I walked into my parents bedroom about to let off some tough guns-when nothing but flies came out of my mouth.

So fast forward some 6 years later and many things have changed. First I got a chance to travel and experience other cultures and their belief in this strange elephant with 6 arms. Then a very prominent pastor-whose church I use to regularly attended-was being sued for using his 'Pastoral Power' to have sex with young men (he settled out of court). Third an acquaintance of mine shared with me his ability to split his tongue (errr...he is able to spread the word from the good book while all in the same breath make passes at me). And to add more conflict and contradiction-I PRACTICE YOGA!

So at 29 I'm trying to culminate some sort of stable belief system that will guard me and guide me logically. I'm a person that is steeped into tradition (marry first, kids later) and things have to make sense ( 'i' before 'e' except after 'c').  I don't get down with proselytizing and I've struggled with waiting on the Messiah and praying through him in order to get to an un-Doubtable God. I've struggled with separating the man from the message. I've struggled with how to name myself when people ask me-WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE? Is there a label for a person who doesn't even want to share what she believes in-counting it up to all things private? Would I be able to subscribe to something that is secret and intangible and unexplainable and truthful only to me and not be driven to share it-even if it could potentially save you from eternal damnation (which I can't confirm)?  Or could I simply say when asked Are you saved? Are you born again?  I simply want to respond: well That is the question!

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