Turning of the Tides

 I recently completed Early Service Training, better known as EST and a stark reminder that I have indeed completed 6 months both serving and learning in and from this country. This is when I got a chance to see the other half of volunteers after we've been dispersed respectively to our sites. It was nice to share the same space as everyone, even though many of them had privately discussed amongst themselves that I'm probably the one to early terminate(ET). Even though many of them had privately discussed amongst themselves that I was disingenuous or unkind. Frankly some people just don't like me nor do they want to see me succeed. This happens in life sometimes. Watch for it. Perhaps it's because I experienced culture shock in a different way, often complaining and internalizing things as 'happening to me' versus 'happening because of me' and my group was exhausted from it. Perhaps it's because they interpreted my introverted quality as a signal that I did not like them-which isn't the case at all. Sometimes I'm just slow on wits and 'my funny' is not 'your funny'. Sometimes I don't know when to assert myself onto the conversation train which is running at 130mph. Sometimes I find comfort in being a great listener than a blabber-mouth (no offense to my blabber-mouths). Sometimes I'm combustive and you don't see me coming and I scare you off.

Moving on.

During my early service training, I raised my hand quite a bit to ask more than my fair share of questions. I probably asked a few moronic questions-but I thought those meetings were the safest space to do it. I was ignorant. Still am hell! And he who knows it all, knows nothing. Life is going to be your greatest teacher, not myself. This is what I would tell you if we cross paths and you asked me. I can listen, I can say I've been there and you may not want to go there, or I can say do it because I was a simp. I'm normally sensible and sensitive to people, until they betray themselves. Ya know what I'm sayin?

Yet this time around, I was quiet. I had minimal to say because I wasn't struggling as much as I had been during Pre-Service Training. The days of endless crying ( I'm ashamed to admit how much exactly) and feeling more out of my skin than ever before are becoming even more distant memories. It doesn't mean these ghosts won't come creeping back. I am sure they are around somewhere, but they've been giving me a small break. So during EST I had minimal to say. I looked around and listened intently to those that seemed to be floundering, contrary to what they experienced during training. I wondered if these were the same people who were confident that I would be the one to raise a white flag. I wondered if it was the appropriate time to find things ironic. I wondered if they liked taking advice or hearing condescending statements towards their experiences. I wondered if their heart was equally open to receiving as much as they enjoyed being drunk in the power of having an answer for everything.

who knows.

i've made my friends and they like both animated and deliberate Malaika.
i'm still here and only thought about ET'ing once during the winter time.
i have a long way to go, but it's probably best to not forget that so do you.

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